Lanny-yap: How To Get A Date For Your Cousin's Wedding

20 February 2013

How To Get A Date For Your Cousin's Wedding

My brother and I are looking for wedding dates for our cousin's wedding in majestic Saratoga, New York on March 23rd, 2013.

We've been told by the bride that bringing dates is "mandatory" so we "won't harass all of my friends all night" and "stay under control." Rather than ask some fringe women in our lives to go and face the inevitable 'does this mean he wants to take it to the next level!?' questions, we'd rather bring complete strangers and just figure it out. Still reading? In anticipation of your questions we've developed an FAQ section below.

Dave, Mike ... What's in it for me?

An excuse to get dressed up
Open bar & food all night Eccentric/downright dangerous bro-2-bro dance moves (may need to sign a waiver)
Adventure
Mystery
Suspense
True Love
Royalties once our night's story is developed into a romantic comedy. If this happens (we estimate the chances at 85%) we refuse the right to let Ashton Kutcher play either of our characters, however, we will consider him for a supporting role.

SO - What are you fellas like, anyway?

Oh us? We're both in our 20s, single, dashingly tall, Anglo-Saxon, respectfully athletic, love to party, completely house trained, relaxed, passionate, smell great, have cool hair, clean up nice, boast great tie collections, will promise to shave, love our mother, have seen Love Actually several times, controversial, provocative, short-sighted (with a big picture mentality), raw, emotional, sensitive but still bad boys.

What should us ladies be like?

You should respond in pairs as you'll want to know at least 1 person at this wedding. Sisters (twins?!) are preferable, but we'll take friends, or even enemies. You should be attractive or our aunts will judge you, but not TOO attractive or one of our uncles might grope you. You should be relaxed and easy going as we'll probably make up flattering lies about you on the spot. You should own a dress, or be able to acquire one because we don't have any. If (when) you respond you should send some pictures of yourself so we know you've met the above requirements. Feel free to include a resume; this is a classy wedding and we're looking for well-rounded women. Interesting/unique pairings are encouraged; don't be afraid to make yourself stand out!

This feels kinda creepy, are you guys Craigslist killers?

No. Well, if you want to be techni... nevermind. No, we aren't. We just genuinely want to do something different and we don't see any other way to approach it. What would verify our normalness? Facebook? Instagram? We can have a pre-date screening (interview) prior to the wedding and play 20 questions over a coupla cocktails if you'd like?

We're IN! What now?

First off -- smart thinking. Email us, send along some pictures, information, high school athletic stats, questions, etc. We'll take it from there.

Location: Saratoga, NY

craigslist via Gawker

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20 February 2013

How To Get A Date For Your Cousin's Wedding

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