10 September 2009

The "Best" Of Craigslist

More fun from Craigslist.

Guaranteed to keep your Goth hide translucent white during these hot and bright summer days, this hand-made coffin is just right for the petit Vampire or Vampette. If you are just under 5 feet tall (or can shape-shift to something smaller) with a 29-inch wing span, you will feel cozy and safe sleeping away the pesky daylight hours with this tasteful but unassuming box tucked away in your lair.

Your minions can keep your chamber mobile with these fine handles made of Transylvanian hemp and the tucked and buttoned red padded lining will have you snoring until sun down. The hand-painted, one-of-a-kind, whimsical take on a Coptic cross is certain not to offend any version of Goth, vamp or even warm-blood who might have the privilege of actually seeing your private chamber.

It’s hard to let this beautiful treasure go, but we’ve just run out of room. And with all of the sensible people around (see True Blood), we just don’t need to be so private anymore. It can be found and taken for free in the 3400 block of Barranca circle near Mt Bonnell. Better hurry though. It is Big Trash week in our neighborhood.
Just A Simple Question
I was injured by a Crest Spin-Brush prototype. It put me out of work for six weeks. I'm a contract programmer by trade. It's a substantial amount of damages. I could try to 'find' a lawyer in the area who'd take my case, but then, that would be time on my side.

I've got till the new year to file, basically.

I've got the original evidence (the toothbrush) which Crest has requested, but my previous legal advice advised not to supply (which I agree with). The long and short of the defect is that the glue failed with baking soda toothpaste, and the bristles fell out out be so many little nylon darts that all wanted to go in their 'direction' (into my lungs). I inhaled some bristles, and I spent six weeks digesting/coughing them out (nobody really knows for sure where they 'went'). I'm pretty sure that the way it works is that digestive enzymes can denigrate nylon, and did. In any event, it was a 'blurb' on my earnings and health expenses, not my fault, and I'd like it back.

Now, my main problem is that I'm in the armpit of CA (Ukiah) and I've not got a whole lot of top-notch legal eagles available (my previous person got a scheduling problem, and the other two I've tried here weren't to my standards).

Basically, these guys (Crest) have already admitted fault (known defect of the original 'Dr. Johns' product), and they know the batch numbers, and they are obvious (I can send you a picture of any part you'd like).

I spent six weeks hacking up what felt like fishhooks stuck in my throat.

I didn't get a bit of REM sleep during that period, and became nearly psychotic. I had three instances where large objects got stuffed down my throat (two while conscious, and the third had multiple items stuck down every possible path--to no avail).

I can describe in lurid detail all sorts of really gross things about the way a bit of nylon stuck between your vocal chords and your esophagus feels like.

I don't want to ever re-visit those memories again.

I'd like to have a lawyer who could ream these assholes (I've tried to work with them, but their 'work' is only stalling and trying to get the evidence).

So, I figured, "craigslist" (of course!), reverse it.

This is about as cut-and-dried a case as you might get, but w/o the magic 'legal' letterhead, no cash will flow from Crest. I say, "Take a freakin' bulldozer to the dam, boys!"

So, I was negotiating with them for damages. If 'triple-damages' exist in this state, and you can get me my damages w/o court, demand double damages, and keep the rest.

If we have to go to court, demand triple and keep the rest.

I'm pissed, and I'm lazy, and craigslist seems a whole bunch better than trying to call you all individually.

Byte me, Crest.

•Compensation: standard legal fees
•Telecommuting is ok.
•This is a part-time job.
•This is a contract job.
•OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
i need help moving my chickens
I have approximately 1,243 chickens that need to be transported, i began my journey with my mini van but just was not working out, too many trips and too much shit and feathers, and with no ac it makes it very difficult when constantly tempted to roll the windows down, and because doing it all by hand i have lost 1 out of 4 chickens with my first 3 trips. if you have reasonable transportation for this chicken operation plz let me know. thank you. --Matt
Body Dumping Location Available
Don’t stuff grandma in the freezer!

By now you’ve probably heard about the Glen Burnie MD family that stored their 83-year-old grandmother’s dead body in a freezer: http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/anne-arundel/bal-md.ar.freezer15jul15,0,168200.story. It turns out that no law was broken.

Yep, dumping a body is legal around here. Health care workers and other professionals are required to report deaths, but ordinary citizens are not. And, apparently, no state law prohibits the burial or storage of a body on private property.

I’m a laid-off Baltimore-area homeowner. After ten months of unemployment, and the future looking even more grim, I’m willing to consider allowing my backyard to be used for body dumping. Call it private burial if you prefer.

I could probably take a half-dozen bodies without arousing the attention of neighbors. It wouldn’t hurt to have one under the garden too.

Me: A discreet Baltimore County homeowner with a half-acre of easily tillable property on a quiet dead-end street.

You: An individual (not a health care worker or other professional required to report a death!) with the awkward inconvenience of disposing of a deceased relative, friend, colleague or acquaintance.

You must provide your own trash bags, tarp, quicklime, shovel, etc. I might be available to hold a flashlight, but I won’t do any heavy lifting.

Accidental deaths or natural causes only. I’m not going to get involved in any shenanigans with Omar wannabes. I will not be a participant in, or an accessory to, any sort of crime.

This is a limited time offer! Act now before the state legislature changes the law! If and when the law changes (measures failed 10 years ago, after the 1999 incident), you’ll be grandfathered, literally and figuratively.

Price is negotiable. Serious inquiries only.

For more info: http://welcometobaltimorehon.com/?p=338
Best Of Craigslist

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